03.02.09

last night was so... bizarre.
part of me wonders if it really happened.

i've been able to see this hidden time for a while. this... forbidden hour. i always thought i was the only one who could see it, because no matter where i looked, there was no life. it was like a shifted world, a sick mimicry of the beautiful world at night, painted with blood and steeped in death. it sounds insane, but it is my reality. i have come to terms with it. but i never expected to find other people who knew of it, too.

these people were older than me, but not by much. they were high school students. ...juniors, i think. one was female, the other was a boy. and they fought these shadowy demons in this hour, by using these gun-like devices called 'evokers'. hah, it sounds so weird when i write it down. how could i think any of this actually happened? but it felt so real. they said they would visit me after school and discuss things with me. next year, they'll move me into their dorm. they're asking me to join their group. SEES is their name, i think...

am i going insane? did i, perhaps, imagine all of this?
i never got any paints. images of this bloody world dance through my head, and the terrors of being chased crawl through my veins. but i can express none of it. i feel like it will all spill out of me if i don't find a way to let it out...

i guess all i can do is wait. after school, i will see if it was all a dream or not.

03.01.09

it's been months since nii-chan sent me any money.

i'm not mad about it. i heard he got a girlfriend recently and wants to buy a stable place to move in with her. all his money must be going to that right now. i'm just upset that i can't buy any of my paints unless i have that money... and i've already been out of them for a while, too.

i'm glad that the school year is almost over. almost in high school. ...the thought scares me a little. i think i'll be moved into a high school dorm, too, so i'll have to say goodbye to my dormmates here. not that it really matters. none of us talk much. i only know their names... a few of them, like himeko-chan, have boyfriends that they bring by sometimes. other than that, it's just a bunch of girls. none of them talk to me, so i keep to myself...

oh, but, i'm not lonely. i have my brothers. i have rumiko-chan...

anyway, i thought i'd make this blog as a place to discharge my thoughts and feelings. i would write them on paper, but then it would take me forever! i have to make anything i write on paper fancy. i'd rather just type when i want to write down what's in my heart.

you know what? i'm going to try to get some paints tonight.
wish me luck!